Delusional, Because of You

I hear them talk of ''being driven crazy'', I don't know whether the experience here is the same...

That day I sat on one of the settees in our sitting room. Cold gnawed at my nerves. My eyes down cast, I saw a paper on the floor, white in color, and with words I could hardly discern. Suddenly, I began floating and so did everything surrounding me, even the floor itself swayed about in the air. I was lost in a fanciful world, which in a moment offered serenity and tranquility in substantial measures. And then I looked at the paper, which was also floating. Stunningly, the letters abandoned their rightful positions and began dangling in the air. So that I could see a letter A here and a letter Z over there. In a spun of a millisecond, the letters got distorted and meticulously formed a name, of a person I knew. And mesmerizing was the name that I took more than a minute staring at it, while smiling, apparently because of you

Before I could shift my focus, the name broke down. And from the letters, smaller letters emerged. These joined to form a circle with a well outlined circumference in red color to the outside and orange color to the inside. Shortly, the circle broke down too. And from it several heart-like shapes emerged, and the red and orange color had blended into a pink color, weird, nothing like what your professors taught you in Physics. In these heart-like shapes was yet a name, your name. That mere view brought deceiving consolation to my susceptible mind, or better put, delusional thoughts. So that in the next few seconds all I thought was about you, purely you. Faint Orchestra music could, still in that silence, be heard playing in the background of my head, or my mind, or even my soul. Its softness rhymed with the softness of your Angelic voice. As the sound waves from the music hit my ear drum, a clear picture of you was etched in my mind. Yes, I could see you just like you were the first time I met you, not meeting but seeing you. From your blonde soft hair to your smoothly curved and bulging hips

And I noticed the much that you resembled the Rose Flower. Because just like the flower, with its attractive and conspicuous color, your smirky smile, cherry lips, long well-made blonde hair, curved and bulging hips and your always blissful voice made many people's lives rosy.

Still in this delusional realm, I felt a tap, an insistent tap on my left shoulder. And still my thoughts lied to me; yet again, that it was your tap. So, I took a mighty breath and smiled. ''It is indeed she'', I said to myself under my breath, only to turn back and face my Mum. Truly nothing was floating, but everything in my mind, because of you, was doing so. And my Mum asked, 'What's wrong, I've called you thrice.' And I smiled, trying hard to make my face not sell me. 'Everything is okay', I lied, to one who has raised me into whom I am, all because of you. My Mum, in not so many words, assured to be there for me then sent me to deliver a message.


As I headed towards my destination, you were still in my mind. And I began running. So energized I was that I made fierce contact with the Trade Winds, nearly torturing my skin, all because of you. On the way I saw you. And when I tried saying 'hi' you looked towards the other side. And you utterly dismissed all my efforts as waste. I know not whether this was the real you or the delusional you. All I know is that for five years I have been chasing you. And I have wasted a handful of my gas running after you. A couple of medals I have wasted, because I would have participated in Athletics instead of chasing you. 

I thought what I had for you was true and toxic love, but alas! Nothing close to that, only mere obsession.  I thought you had a soft place for me, but that was just but an illusion. Utter obsession and nothing near affection. All you have done is showing me how unworthy I am, through your long throat-cutting texts and contemptuous words. Maybe I am what you consider me as. And maybe saying that we were meant for each other, as I have been thinking for the past five years, is just a delusion. 

I won't punish myself because delusions are common to humankind, and I am human. Maybe you do not exist in my life, I just think you do, or you should. And because we all think differently, I've decided to give you what you've always wanted, my absence. 

Because of you I have lost myself, and because of you I shall find myself. Goodbye 'my love'.


~Sanju

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